I'm a proud Catholic. I'm also a Baby Boomer. This is a story about a part of one year growing up Catholic in the Bronx, NY. While some of these stories---in letter form---are fiction, many are based on true events. Being a Catholic is not only a spiritual honor for me, but it's also cool.
Feb. 12, 1956
Dear Pope:
Can we ask for a special Guardian Angel? I'll tell you why. I really like the NY Yankees (they play baseball and are the best baseball team in the whole wide world. They almost always win. They win even better when they play the Brooklyn Dodgers).
Anyway, I want to ask God if I can have Babe Ruth for my Guardian Angel. I know he went to heaven because he was a really good baseball player. He really liked kids a lot too. He was also one of the best NY Yankees ever (but if Mickey Mantle dies, I think I want him to be my Guardian Angel too. But I don't want him to die just yet. The Yankees need him now). By the way, this does not mean I don't like the Guardian Angel you gave me. I just really like Babe Ruth a lot.
Let me know if I need to fill out some paperwork or what.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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Feb. 13, 1956
Dear Pope:
At school today, Sister Vincent told us the story about the miracle when Jesus changed water in wine. When I got home, I asked my dad if that story was true. He said it was probably true since Jesus could do anything he wanted. He also said that if Jesus was able to change water into wine, he should have opened a corner bar and made a million dollars. Do you think my dad has a point or what?
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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Feb. 18, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have a bet with Frankie Shanchez about who was the greatest person who ever lived. I told him that next to Jesus it was Babe Ruth. He said Superman is the greatest man who ever lived even greater than Jesus.
I told him that Superman is not even a real person but Jesus was real and he did miracles, plus he got up from the dead. You have to admit; that's a pretty big miracle. He said Superman can't even die so that makes him bigger than Jesus.
If Superman is a real person, do you think he is greater than Jesus? I surely don't.
Let me know what you think about this when you get a chance. I can win 10 cents on this bet.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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Feb. 22, 1956
Dear Pope:
I thought gluttony was one of the seven deadly sins. Well, let me tell you about Father O'Malley. He better go to confession or go on a diet. He's so big he casts a giant shadow.
I'm not saying this because I don't sin, because I do (only once in while). But he's a priest and he's not suppose to be sinning like that. The other kids are always making fun of him behind his back because he's so chubby. Another thing. When he walks around at lunch time in the cafeteria, he swipes food out of our lunch boxes and eats it. Last week, I saw him swipe two bananas, a half of Ricky's peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and one of Mary's Oreo cookies. Some of my friends go back to class hungry because Fr O'Malley swiped their lunch. That's not right. You should write him a letter and order him to stop swiping our food.
Another thing, on Friday's Fr. O'Malley says he has to check our lunch boxes to see if we have any meat in there. That's usually when he swipes our food.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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Feb. 26, 1956
Dear Pope:
I'm really confused. Last year, Sister Vincent told us that we should always make room for our Guardian Angel at our school desk. I always leave a little room on the seat even though a million angels can fit on the head of a pin. So I'm pretty sure that my guardian angel does not take up a lot of room on my desk.
This is my problem. Brother John told us that Guardian Angeles don't need any room at our desk. He said they have enough room because they can float around. He said sometimes they even sit on our shoulders. To be honest with you, I never knew that. If I can get Babe Ruth as my Guardian Angel, he can sit anywhere he wants.
By the way, after Brother John told us that, Frankie said he was not leaving any room for his Guardian Angel at his desk. He even said that if his Guardian Angel tries to sit at his desk, he will just knock him off. Tell you the truth, I don't think Frankie is going to heaven first anyway. He will probably spend a few million years in Purgatory first, if he's lucky.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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March 5, 1956
Dear Pope:
The other day I was reading the lives of some of the saints. Let me tell you something Pope, they almost all died in very horrible ways. A lot were burned at the stake, beheaded, beaten with axes, stoned and crucified like Jesus was. Living these days seems a lot safer even in the Bronx. People here usually only kill people by shooting them or stabbing them. I betcha if the police started roasting criminals at the stake, there would be a lot less crime.
Let me know what you think about this.
Yours in Christ
Jerry
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March 8, 1956
Dear Pope:
This week I celebrated my birthday. But I have to ask you to do everyone who is Catholic a favor. Any chance you can make the Communion wafer taste better? I know it's the Body and Blood of Christ, but I don't even think he would like the taste. What's the problem with making it taste like chocolate or a vanilla egg cream or even Bazooka bubble gum? I think you would get more people converted to being a Catholic if Communion taste better.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
March 12, 1956
Dear Pope:
The Brothers and Sisters keep telling us if we die with a venial sin on our soul that we will go to Purgatory first. The problem is Purgatory sounds a lot like Hell. You also have to say a zillion prayers just to knock off a few years off your time in Purgatory. Another thing, no one seems to know exactly how much time you have to do in Purgatory. And if you're in Purgatory does that mean you have to go to Mass every Sunday. Because if you do, it could mean you have to go to Mass every Sunday for a million years. Tell you what. That seems to be just the thing for me to try to get the heck out of Purgatory as soon as possible (if I don't go to Heaven first). I'm going to start saying a bunch of prayers. I figure if I say about 100 prayers a day, I can knock off about 300 years a year for the rest of my life to knock off my time there.
Let me know if you think that's a good idea.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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March 13, 1956
Dear Pope:
Did you ever get a nookie? Let me tell you something...don't! It's when somebody takes their knuckle and starts drilling their knuckle on top of your head. Hurts more than walking into tree branch, but it doesn't knock you out. Earlier this week, I decided to put a tack on Sister Vincent's chair. When she sat down, she shot straight up like if she saw a big, fat rat under her desk. Everybody in the class started laughing until Sister stared down at the class and yelled, "So whose the genius that put that tack on my chair?" About 10 seconds went by and the entire class pointed at me. Bunch of squealers. So Sister Vincent told me to get up to the front of the class and then said to everybody, "This is what happens when a student hurts a nun." She then put me in a headlock and gave me a nookie for about five minutes. It felt like somebody was drilling a hole in my skull. Then she sent me to the Principal's office, Father Scanlon. When I got to his office, he looked at me and said, "So Jerry, what kind of trouble did you get into today?" (I end up in his office about once a week). I told him what I did. He told me I had to stay after class for the rest of the week and write on the bulletin board about a zillion times, "I will never hurt Sister Vincent again."
Let me tell you something Pope. It was a busy day.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
PS: Do I have to confess this to God? I figure I don't since he sees everything anyway, so what's the point?
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March 16, 1956
Dear Pope:
Frankie and me were talking about Maria and Wanda the other day (they are two girls in our class). We were talking about boys and girls. Maria said that if a boy does more than just kiss a girl he commits a mortal sin and has to confess it. She said that Richie (another kid in our class. A real dummy) tried to touch her chest one day when there were kissing under the stoop of Maria's tenement. She said she punched him in the face and told him he had to go to confession and tell Fr. O'Malley ( Remember? He's the fat priest who swipes our lunches). Richie said there was no way he was going to confess to Fr. O'Malley, because Fr. O'Malley would make him say so many Hail Mary's that he would never get out of church. He said he will go to another parish, and confess to a priest that can't recognize his voice (even if he has to put marbles in his mouth). We told him if he does not go to confession right away and gets hit by a truck walking across the street, he'll go straight to Hell. Richie said he'll take his chances. He said he always looks both ways when he crosses the street anyway. He even said if he waits long enough, God might forget about his sin.
Do you think Richie is stupid or what?
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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March 20, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have to ask you if I have to go to confession for this. Richie always wanted to see what Holy Water taste like. Every time he tried to drink some, I always stopped him. I told him it was a sin if he drank it. But then one day I thought if Holy Water is suppose to keep evil away, why not just drink it and keep your entire body safe from the devil? So this past Sunday, me and Richie drank some of the Holy Water. First, let me tell you something and don't get mad: it taste like crap. But I was wondering if Richie and me have to confess drinking the Holy Water. If it keeps evil away, it does not make sense to confess drinking it. Anyway, let me know what we should do. Don't worry, we are never going to drink it again (unless you put Kool-Aid in it. Strawberry would be nice).
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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March 23, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have to tell you a quick story. Remember when I told you Frankie always says Superman is greater and stronger than Jesus? Well, Brother Mathias called him up to the front of the class this week. Brother Mathias then told Frankie to prove Superman is greater than Jesus. Brother Mathias made two rows on the blackboard. One row had the title "Jesus" and "God" at the top. The other row had "Superman" on the top. Underneath the "Jesus" row, Bro. Mathias wrote, "God is Everywhere." He then asked Frankie if Superman was everywhere. Even Frankie had to admit Superman could never be everywhere at the same time. Under "Jesus," Brother Mathias wrote down, "Jesus Had No Beginning." Frankie was stuck again, and he was getting mad too. Then the next one really got to Frankie. Brother Mathias wrote down that "Kyryptonite Can't Hurt Jesus." Frankie looked up at the blackboard, and you can see he felt bad like someone just stole his Slinky's.
Later on that day, Frankie ran up to me at recess and finally admitted Jesus was greater than Superman. He even remembered that Jesus beat up the devil. He didn't think Superman could even do that. He looked like his whole world had fallen apart. I actually felt sorry for him. I told him to stop feeling so bad because that only means Superman is the second greatest person in the world. I think that made Frankie feel better. When he walked away, he was smiling.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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March 27, 1956
Dear Pope:
The other day I told Frankie I write you letters once in a while. Anyway, he wanted me to ask you what you have underneath that big, funny hat you wear. Frankie said that's where Popes keep an extra bottle of wine in case they run out at Mass. I said maybe you have an extra sandwich up there in case you get hungry.
We have a 10 cents bet on this. Can you write back and let us know if you keep anything under that hat? If you want to wear something else, I'll send you a Yankee hat.
By the way, did you find out yet if I can have Babe Ruth for my Guardian Angel? I want to get him before he gets taken by somebody else. Thanks.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 2, 1956
Dear Pope:
I really don't like going to confession because Fr. O'Malley always knows it's me even when I try to sound like Jimmy Durante. Anyway, while I was confessing my sins to Fr. O'Malley last Saturday, I got a little nervous. I had to tell him about my impure thoughts, and he knew it was me. Anyway, I cursed to myself when I said I had impure thoughts about 100 times one day last week when I really had impure thoughts about 200 times. The question I have is this: was I sinning when I was confessing my sins?
I would really appreciate an answer this question, because I might be walking around with a sin. What if I get hit by a car crossing the street or trip over the curb and crack my skull? I might end up being the first person in Hell who committed a sin while confessing my sins.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 5, 1956
Dear Pope:
Why do priests, nuns and brothers always have to wear black clothes and cassocks? You don't. You wear a bunch of different color cloths with a lot sparkles and stuff. You look like a Christmas tree with lights. Cardinals wear red a lot. They even wear a little had that looks like a red box is sitting on top of their head. It looks really funny. You should let religious people wear different colors. The clothes they wear look like the clothes people were wearing 500 years ago. It's the 20th Century and the Church should catch up to the times. You should let priests and brothers dress like Elvis. And my dad said nuns should dress like Marilyn Monroe. He said if they did more people would become Catholics.
You should think about doing this. It might make being a nun and brother more fun.
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April 10, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have a question about Limbo. I remember Sister Vincent told us once that Limbo is where babies go if they die before they get baptized. She also said that those babies will never get to Heaven. The question I have is who is baby-sitting the babies in Limbo if everybody in Limbo is a baby? That's why I can't believe God would just leave zillions of babies in Limbo without anybody watching over them. It just never made sense to me.
Anyway, if God needs a volunteer to baby-sit the babies in Limbo, I'm up for it. I think I'm going to Purgatory first anyway (if I'm lucky). This can be a way out. Let me know what you think ,and who I have to ask to get this done. I babysitted my neighbor's baby a few times. I know what to expect.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 17, 1956
Yankees opened their season today. They beat the Washington Senators 10-4. Mickey Mantle, Yogi and Moose Skowron had a great game. They play Boston next week, and should kick their ...Oops. I almost wrote ass.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 18, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have a cool idea. Why don't you invent Rosary Beads that glow in the dark? That would be so neat. It would really help when I say my Rosary at night before I got to bed. Think about it. But ask God first if it's okay. I don't want Him to get angry at you because some snot-nose kid in America gave you a good idea.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 20, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have a bone to pick with the Church. All my life, we were told that Eve gave Adam an apple to eat. But Frankie said that Brother John told him the Bible does not say anything about an apple.
So here's my question: If it was not an apple, maybe it was a banana or a watermelon. What do you think?
Another thing. You better tell the nuns and brothers to stop telling us this lie about the apple. Lying is a sin.
I would really like an answer to this, really.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 22, 1956
Dear Pope:
Remember when I told you that religious people should wear other colors instead of black? Well, I think you should take my suggestion very seriously. Yesterday, Frankie got in trouble. He was watching Sister Mary walk down the hallway in school and he said she looked like a penguin. Problem was that Sister Ann was standing right behind him. Sister Ann gave him a nookie right then and there. But, if you want the truth---and don't get mad at me---nuns really do look like penguins.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 25, 1956
Dear Pope:
Last week, I told you about the black clothes religious people wear all the time, and you should let them wear clothes like real people. Well, yesterday on television they showed your soldiers. I think you call them "Swiss Guards." How come they look like clowns? You should have them wear real soldier uniforms. And what's with those spears anyway? They can't stop somebody who might run into the cathedral with a machine gun. You should have them wear cools guns like Paladin and Wyatt Earp.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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April 28, 1956
Dear Pope:
I went over to Maria's house the other day. Her mother showed me a Scapular. She said it had a small bone of St. Joan of Arc in it. They call that a relic. But I'll tell you something; that bone was so small you could hardly see it. Another thing. Didn't St. Joan get burned at the stake? How can anyone have any bones from somebody who could probably fit in an ashtray after they were burned to death?
I asked my dad about the relic when I got back home. He said it was probably a scam. He said it's a money-making operation for the Church. He said they probably use chicken bones . I sure hope that's not true. It would be a shame if Maria's mother is walking around with just a chicken bone around her neck.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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May 5, 1956
Dear Pope:
There's this girl in my class I really like. Her name is Rita. I don't even tease her that much. Anyway, I told her that I wrote you letters. She said she wants me to tell you about a miracle. She said about two weeks ago when she was eating her chili for dinner, she saw the face of Jesus in the chili. She showed it to her father and mother. They got so excited they called all the neighbors over to see it. Rita said her dad even took a picture of it.
Rita and her parents want to know how to report this to the Church. I said I would write to you, and you could tell me what to do. Rita's dad said he could make a lot of money by making people pay if they want to see the picture. They tried to keep the chili, but after a few weeks; it started to stink up the apartment. They had to throw it out. If you think this is a miracle, how about helping Rita and her parents out. They look really poor and could use the money. Maybe they could make about a 100 dollars or more for this.
You can send me any paperwork they have to fill out. I'll make sure they get it. Thanks Pope.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
PS: Did you ever see the face of Jesus in your food? If you ever do, take a picture of it and maybe you can make a million bucks.
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May 9, 1956
Dear Pope:
I was wondering if you could change the way we go to confession. For one thing, Fr. O'Malley keeps asking me if I have any impure thoughts. Sometimes I tell him I think about naked girls, but I shake my head really hard a few times and the picture of the naked girls pops right out of my head. But every sin you tell Fr. O'Malley, the other kids can hear them. Most of the other kids stand so close to the confessional they try to listen what you tell the priest, and then they laugh at you when you come out of the confessional. You end up feeling like a stupid jerk. You should change confession so we can tell our sins straight to God instead of to the priest. And I don't think God would keep telling you to say 10 Our Father's and 10 Haily Mary's. That's get real old after a while. Another thing. God must get really tired listening to all those Our Father's and Hail Mary's too. I betcha He's heard over a zillion by now.
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May 12, 1956
Dear Pope:
Remember when I wrote you about making the Communion wafer taste better? Well, I have another favor to ask you. You have to make the wafer stop sticking to the roof of our mouth too. Father puts it on our tongue and then the whole time we're walking back to our pews; it's like peanut butter is stuck on the roof of our mouths. You should contact the M & M's people to see if they can make a wafer that does not melt in our mouth. Let me know what you think.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
PS: You can also make the wafer come in all kinds of colors too.
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May 15, 1956
Dear Pope:
We had a great substitute teacher today. His name is Brother John. He told us about some of the saints who are patron saints of really stupid stuff. Like St. Coleni is the patron saint of hanged men and cows. St. Servais is the patron saint of foot troubles, rats and vermin. St. Anthony the Great is the patron saint of gravediggers. And St. Polycarp is the patron saint of dysentery and earaches. I wish he could teach us all year.
Pope, any chance you can make a patron saint for the Yankees?
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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May 18, 1956
Dear Pope:
Richie was talking about The Ten Commandments this morning. He said he knows why there are only ten commandments. He said if there were 20 Commandment Moses would have never been able to carry them off the mountain. Even I had to admit he had a point. There was no way Moses could have carried four stone tablets all the way down the mountain. They would have just been too heavy for him. What do you think? Tell you the truth; I'm glad there are only 10 because a lot of those are hard to keep anyway. Twenty would have been impossible.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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May 20, 1956
Dear Pope:
Frankie and me were wondering why nuns and brothers only have first names. Frankie even said you only have a first name. He said you should think of changing your name to Pope Superman. I said Pope Zorro would be better. You should think about doing that. It would really be keen.
Let me know what you think about changing your name (hint: Zorro)
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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May 25, 1956
Dear Pope:
I don't like being a rat and squealing on my friends, but I have to tell you what Richie did in Church last Sunday. When the collection baskets came around, he put Monopoly money into the basket. I told him he was a jerk. He turned and looked at me and said, "At least I put a 500 dollar bill in the basket."
I told him he has to go to confession and tell Fr. O'Malley. He said it's not a sin to put Monopoly money into the collection basket because it was the thought that counted. I had to admit. He had a point.
When I got home and told my dad, he started laughing out loud. He said next time he goes to church (which is about once every five years); he might do it too.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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May 28, 1956
Dear Pope:
I have a complaint. It's about Scapulars. How come they make them so cheap? They never last longer than about two weeks before they start falling apart and then you have to buy another one. They cost about 25 cents. If I live to about 80 years old; it's going to cost me a fortune to buy a new one every two weeks. I hope Heaven is worth it. You should order the people who make Scapulars to make them out of silver like religious medals. I have a St. Chistopher medal. It's about 4 years old now. I like it even though it does turn my skin green.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
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June 1, 1956
Dear Pope:
Well, this will be my last letter to you. I hope you get some time to answer my letters someday. That would be neat.
I do have one more favor to ask. Can you give some thought to getting rid of Latin at Mass. Nobody understands it anyway except for the priest. Also, can you try to make Masses shorter maybe like 10 minutes.
I told my dad about some of the ideas I gave you. He said not to hold my breath. He said those things will happen when hell freezes over or when the Church has a Polish Pope.
Anyway, good bye. I hope you write me one day.
Yours in Christ,
Jerry
PS: Don't forget about Babe Ruth. I still want him for my Guardian Angel. I'm sure you can pull some strings.
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